horizontal rule

3. Do not participate in sexual activity unless
both you and your partner commit to monogamy.

horizontal rule

In the same way that it 'takes two to tango', obviously, it takes two to be monogamous. And, since this is a contract with your self, not that potential partner that you're looking at, then at the start, what this really means is celibacy.

Now, don't whine and cry at me about how it can't be done. Believe it or not, I've been celibate for twenty years. That doesn't mean that I've had no sex, it just means that I've only had sex with myself.

Don't fuck: masterbate.
You can't get pregnant.
You can't get VD.
You know what you like!
and you don't have to look your best.
Graffiti on a restroom door
at the UMC Commons

So, at the beginning of any relationship, or potential relationship, what this looks like is celibacy as you wait.

Why does the contract specify that you are both committed to monogamy if there is only one person, you, within the contract? The contract is about creating boundaries to keep your heart safe while you slowly examine potential partners to determine if, in fact, he/she is a good match for you.

As you get to know this person who you're attracted to, who you are considering having sex with, being able to communicate with him/her is very important. You need to know what you want, you need to be able to see red flags and you need to know that the two of you are looking toward the same goal: a committed relationship with the potential to last a lifetime.

If you are not comfortable enough with this person to be able to talk about what you want, then you are not ready to take it to the next level.

   "Would you have said yes?" he asked. "If we'd been undisturbed for another minute?"
   I considered for a minute. "If I had, I wouldn've been sorry I did," I said. "Not because I don't want you. I do. But I had my eyes opened in the past couple of days. I know that I'm pretty easy to fool." I tried to sound matter-of-fact, not pitiful, when I said that. No one likes a whiny woman, least of all me. &qauot;I'm not interested in starting up with someone who's just horny at the moment. I never set out to be a one-night-stand kind of woman. I want to be sure, if I have sex with you, that's it's because you want to be around for a while and because you like me for who I am, not what I am."
Maybe a million women had made approximately the same speech. I meant it as sincerely as any one of those million.
   And Quinn have the perfect answer. "Who would want just one night with you?" he said, and then he left.
John Quinn and Sookie Stackhouse in Charlaine Harris's book, Definitely Dead

If this person is not willing, or not interested, in committing to monogamy with you, then you are more likely to be signing up for someone whose intentions are not to stay with you. Why would you want to put youself through this again? or again and again?

If the definition of insantity is to make the same mistake over and over again expecting a different result, then a commitment to celibacy until you are confident that you care for this partner independent of sex, that this person also cares for you independent of sex, then celibacy and monogamy are your choice to become a grown-up, to choose not be be insane. You take the consequences of your actions and your choices.
"Are you jealous?"
"Not in the slightest." And I realize in that moment that I am beginning to tolerate women ogling my husband. Almost. Christan clasps my hand a kisses my knuckles.
"You have nothing to be jelous of, Mrs. Grey," he murmurs close to my ear.
"I know."
"Good."
Anastasia & Christian Grey
from Fifty Shades Freed by E.L. James

If you are both committed to a monogamous relationship, if you trust one another, based upon knowing one another, then the foundation of your relationship can be strong. You will be freed from doubt and a whole lot of pain! But, if you don't truly know one another, if you don't communicate and don't have trust, then there will always be a part of you that is afraid. Your fear will drive you to make unhealthy choices.

   I used to think that when people fell in love, they just landed where theylanded, and they had no choice in the matter afterward. And maybe that's true of beginnings, but it's not tru of this, now.
   I fell in love with hm. But I don't just stay with him by default as if there's no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.
Tris (about her relationship with Tobias)
from Allegiant by Veronica James

I had a partner once who was certainly in a hurry to go forward. I told him that I didn't want to step out on thin ice. He assured me that the ice was, indeed, very thick, that I could trust him. But there's a big difference between someone telling you that you won't get hurt and having built your own foundation of trust that you won't get hurt. (and, by the way, he didn't stay. He turned out to be a carpet-bagger, a liar and a thief, without a job. Talk about red flags!)




Sexuality Contract
Darbie Marlin
E-mail:

Return to Home Page of the Sexuality Contract

Make a Contract with Your Self!

Be faithful to yourself; ask your partner to be, too.