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2. Do not participate in sexual activity until
both you and your partner have expressed love.

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One of the things that almost always surprises me about modern movies is the rush that the newly-met, newly-excited couple is to jump into bed. Kissing isn't about just kissing; it's foreplay, when it is almost assumed that the couple is going to have sex.

But how can you know, after just meeting, after one date, or even after one month, that you actually love someone? To truly love someone, you need to know them well. This is something that just can't happen without taking time to get to know each other.

How did people do this - swallow all their fears and trust someone else so implicitly with every imperfection and fear they had - with less than the absolute commitment Edward had given me? If it weren't Edward out there, if I didn't know in every cell of my body that he loved me as much as I loved him - unconditionally and irrevocably and, to be honest, irrationally - I'd never be able to get up off this floor.
Bella Swan from Stephenie Meyer's
Breaking Dawn

One of my old beaux from junior high said once that making love and having sex could be compared to aged wine and cheap wine. Aged wine was very, very good, but Cracklin' Rosie wasn't bad either.

You're probably at this web site, though, because you would like to upgrade from the cheap stuff to the good stuff. That can't happen without love and all the things that make it real, not just infatuation.

I don't know about you, but I would like to be courted. Yes, it's a very old-fashioned term, but it's part of what's missing. Woo me, show me that I'm special to you. Show me that you love me. But, just as important, tell me that you love me. Because, without that, it's not making love, it's just fu¢k1ng. (We deserve better than that)

Excerpt from Fifty Shades of Grey, written by E.L. James

Unconditional love - what every child deserves from its parents.

What does Christian know of love? Seems he didn't get the unconditional love he was entitled to during his very early years. My heart twists, and my mother's words waft like a zephyr through my mind: Yes, Ana. Hell what do you need? A neon sign flashing on his forhead? She thinks Christian loves me, but then she's my mother, of course she'd think that. She thinks I deserve the best of everything. I frown. It's true, and in a moment of startling clarity, I see it. It's very simple: I want his love. I need Christian Grey to love me. This is why I am so reticent about out relationship - because on some basic, fundamental level, I recognize within me a deep-seated compulsion to be loved and cherished.

And because of his fifty shades, I am holding myself back… he's wealthy, he's beautiful, but this is all meaningless without his love, and the real heart-fail is that I don't know if he's capable of love. He doesn't even love himself… he feels undeserving of love. Why does he feel like that? How can he feel like that? His words haunt me: It's very hard to grow up in a perfect family when you're not perfect.

I close my eyes, imagining his pain, and I can't begin to comprehend it.

Remember what I said about this contract being something that you make with yourself, not anyone else? Your choice to the contract, obviously, affects your behavior and your relations with other people. However, talking about the contract right out of the starting gate may not be in your best interests (discretion is part of the difference between protecting your privacy and keeping secrets).

Let's examine a worst case scenario. Let's say that you tell someone that you won't go to bed until he/she tells you that he/she loves you. Then, let's say that this someone is only in it, or mostly in it, for the sex. What is to keep him/her from going through a sort of check list: this is the hoop that he/she has to jump through to get you into bed.

That kind of expression of love is really a lie. If you hear it too soon in the relationship, then it's not just a lie: it's a red flag. Either they're trying to get you to go too fast (that firey explosion that burns out to fast versus the slow burn that has a chance to last), or they're lying to you. Run! Run away! Run away fast!

When you love a woman, you tell her that she's really wanted.
When you love a woman, you tell her that she's the one.
'Cause she needs somebody, to tell her that you'll always be together.
So tell me have you ever really, really really ever loved a woman?
~lyrics by Bryan Adams

What you really want is to know that you are loved, special and important. If you are both open and honest, if you both become attached without having the foundation of the relationship being (primarily) about sex, then you have (both) laid a foundation for a future base upon freindship, love and respect.

Is your partner afraid, or unwilling, to say the three little words? Then what makes him/her think that dancing in the sheets is anything more than sex? Remember, sex may be desirable, but it's not what you're really looking for. You're looking for the whole enchilada.

Are you ready to say to yourself, "no, I don't want to just have sex anymore; I want to make love." So, if you do not freely express those feelings of love, then this relationship is not deep enough (yet) to take to the next level. That's what you need to hold out for.



Sexuality Contract
Darbie Marlin
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